Lots of people have a hard time coming down off the emotional high after an argument or other upset they may endure. You may find yourself ruminating and replaying the upset over and over again. This could include what you may say or do next time or what you could have said or done differently.
You may have walked away from the argument, ended the phone call, or stopped reading the text—but your heart is still beating fast. Your jaw is tight. Your stomach is in knots. Your thoughts are racing. You feel like you could cry, scream, shut down, or say something you might regret.
That’s because emotional upset isn’t just happening in your thoughts. Your body can respond to stress as if it needs to protect you. That’s why telling yourself to “just calm down” isn’t enough sometimes. You have to give your body some cues that the moment has changed.
Here are 11 things you can try when you need to come back to yourself, regulate, and recalibrate.
- Take slow, intentional breaths – When you’re upset, your breathing can become faster and shallower without you even realizing it. Slow, controlled breathing can help shift your attention away from the emotional spiral and toward what is happening in your body right now. Try breathing in gently and allowing your exhale to be a little longer than your inhale. Don’t force a huge breath or make yourself dizzy. Just slow things down.
Why it can help: Your breathing is one of the few body processes you can consciously influence. Slowing it can provide your body with a cue to shift out of that highly activated state. You don’t have to breathe away the problem. You’re simply giving yourself enough space to decide what to do about it.
- Put your feet on the floor – When you’re emotionally overwhelmed, you can feel completely consumed by what’s happening in your head. Bring your attention back to your body. Sit down if you can. Put both feet on the floor. Notice the pressure underneath your feet. Press down gently. Notice the chair supporting you. Feel the surface beneath your hands.
Why it can help: Grounding brings your attention away from racing thoughts and back into your immediate physical surroundings. You’re reminding yourself that you’re here, in this moment – not back in the argument, not in yesterday’s conversation, and not in the worst-case scenario your mind is creating.
Try telling yourself, “I’m here. This moment is happening right now. I can take this one moment at a time.”
- Shake it out – (Yes, Sis. Shake. It. Out.) Stand up and gently shake your hands, arms, shoulders, and legs. Twerking could also be beneficial, since it could help release stored emotion from your hips. You can even put on a song and move your whole body.
Why it can help: Stress and emotional arousal often come with physical tension and an urge to act. Movement gives your body somewhere to put some of that energy while shifting your attention away from the mental loop. You don’t need a complicated workout. A few minutes of walking, stretching, dancing, or shaking your limbs can be enough to change how you’re experiencing the moment. And no, you are not being dramatic, you’re giving your body something different to do.
- Go outside – Open the door. Step onto the porch. Walk around the block. Sit in the backyard. Stand in the sunshine. Feel the breeze. And while you’re outside, actually notice things. What can you hear? What can you see? Is the air warm or cool? What colors are around you?
Why it can help: Changing your environment gives your brain new sensory information to process. Nature and gentle movement can also provide a welcomed break from the thoughts and surroundings connected to whatever upset you. Sometimes you don’t need another person to explain the situation to you; you need to leave the room where the emotional storm happened.
- Use temperature as a reset – Try washing your face with cool water, holding something cool, taking a cool shower, or simply noticing the temperature of the air against your skin.
Why it can help: Temperature is powerful sensory input. Focusing on a noticeable physical sensation can interrupt an emotional spiral and bring your attention back into your body. The goal isn’t to shock yourself or make yourself uncomfortable,
It’s simply: “Let me give my body a different sensation to focus on.”
- Move your body – Walk. Stretch. Clean your kitchen. Do some gentle yoga. Dance. Take the stairs. Whatever feels appropriate for you in that moment.
Why it can help: Emotional stress can leave you physically activated. Gentle movement can help release some of that tension and redirect your attention. One important distinction is you’re not exercising because you need to get rid of your feelings since your feelings don’t need to be punished out of you. You’re moving because sometimes your body needs movement while your emotions are moving through you.
- Hum, sing, or make a long exhale – Put on a song you love. Hum. Sing. Take a slow breath and sigh it out.
Why it can help: These activities naturally encourage controlled breathing and give you something rhythmic and sensory to focus on. Singing and humming can also be comforting and can shift your attention from repetitive thoughts to sound and sensation. Sometimes, Sis, you just need to let out that big dramatic sigh. You know the one.
“Whew.”
There it is.
Now breathe.
- Give yourself some physical comfort – Wrap yourself in a blanket. Take a warm shower. Hold a pillow. Put your hand over your heart. Give yourself a gentle hug.
Why it can help: Comforting touch and warmth can help you feel physically contained and cared for when you’re emotionally overwhelmed. It can also serve as a reminder that you can offer yourself compassion instead of immediately criticizing yourself for having a reaction.
Try saying:
“This is hard right now, and I can be gentle with myself while I move through it.”
You don’t have to earn compassion by having perfect emotional control.
- Name what you’re feeling. – Instead of:
“I’m fine.”
Try:
“I’m angry.”
“I’m hurt.”
“I’m embarrassed.”
“I’m disappointed.”
“I’m scared.”
“I feel rejected.”
“I’m overwhelmed.”
Why it can help: Putting words to an emotional experience can create some distance between you and what you’re feeling. Instead of being completely swallowed by the emotion, you can begin observing it. Sometimes the first step isn’t fixing the feeling, It’s telling the truth about it.
You can be angry without being a bad person. You can be hurt without needing to retaliate. You can be disappointed without deciding everything is ruined. Feel it. Name it. Then decide what to do with it.
- Give yourself permission to pause before responding – This one might save you a lot of embarrassment and explaining later. You don’t have to respond to the text or call back immediately. You don’t have to write the 17-paragraph message while your heart is pounding. You don’t have to make a permanent decision while you’re experiencing a temporary surge of emotion.
Why it can help: Strong emotional arousal can make it harder to think flexibly and consider consequences. Giving yourself time to settle can create room between the emotional reaction and the action you take.
Try:
“I want to respond, but I don’t have to right now.”
That’s not avoidance, that’s wisdom.
- Ask yourself: “What do I need right now?” – Not:
“How do I make them understand?” or “How do I make them feel what I feel?” or “How do I prove I’m right?”
Just: “What do I need right now?”
Maybe you need water or food, maybe you need sleep, to cry, or quiet. Perhaps you need to journal, to talk to someone you trust, or to pray. You may find that what you need is space, to set a boundary, or to relax and do absolutely nothing for a little while.
Why it can help: Asking what you need shifts you from reacting to intentionally caring for yourself. It moves the focus from controlling the situation or another person’s behavior to identifying what is within your control.
And Sis, that’s a powerful place to begin healing.
While these practices are tried and true, you may find that other exercises not on this list here may work best for you. You may have to practice a few to determine which one(s) work best for you. Whichever you find is the category you fall under, this list is a great starting point to check in with yourself in those highly emotional moments that follow deep upset.
Get in Sis, We're Going Healing 
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