Get in Sis, We're Going Healing

Why I decided to create this blog.

The Journey to heal is truly no easy feat. The very first step is making the decision to do so. Of course, this comes after the realization that there is something within you that needs healing in the first place.

That realization usually comes after you are tired of that brokenness, the non-forgiveness (of yourself and others) and repeating the same patterns that you may find self-sabotaging. Now, this is not an exhaustive list; and your nudges may be slightly different. One thing that is common across everyone that comes to this realization is that they want to change, they want better. If that resonates with you, I welcome you to this blog. Get in sis, we’re going healing.

The idea for this blog was born from the horror of a realization that I had been through a lot in the just over three decades I have walked this earth. Admittedly some of it was due to my own poor decision making, I can own up to that. Also, at the risk of sounding like I’m avoiding accountability, I also believe that my early life contributed to my poor decision making. Two things can simultaneously be true right?

As a small child my mother lost custody of my sisters and I. The reason(s) we don’t need to get into but that’s already a traumatic start for any small child, especially a little girl. I never knew my biological father, but my younger sister’s father took me in and raised me as his own. He and his wife. I didn’t discover that he was not my biological father until later in life.

That sounds like a happy ending, right? wrong! Even though they took me in, I had to deal with favoritism for their actual kids, mental, emotional and in some cases physical abuse. I have always been very intuitive, so I quickly picked up on the fact that I was not wanted there merely tolerated. I found myself wishing I had gone into foster care, or I could just go back and live with my mother. The logic being if I were going to be mistreated, at least it would be from someone not family (keeping in mind the later revelation).

Because of that being the reality of my home life, I ultimately decided to keep my head down and bury myself in my schoolwork. I went out of my way to stay out the way since I seemed to get in trouble for anything, everything and nothing. For a while I began acting out by lying and stealing. What was the point of being good when it wasn’t noticed or acknowledged? I ultimately got it together though when I realized that just wasn’t me. I began counting the months until I could leave.

This unfortunate scenario began the terror that was my dating experience. I began to date a terrible boy that had red flags flying high and only turned into an even worse man. He made racist jokes, negged me, used me, manipulated me, and emotionally and financially abused me. This eventually became physical (surprise surprise). I thought because it didn’t look exactly like home life it wasn’t bad. I thought this chaos was just passion. Now that I know better, I would never have given him the time of day. During that relationship I lost myself. I stopped doing my hair and wearing my girly clothes. I stopped caring. I began people pleasing and lived in a high alert state with high cortisol continually.

Around age 22 and after meeting my current husband I decided I had enough and it was time to take our daughter and leave. I didn’t know at the time, the trauma was coming with me. I had to make a decision to be done with the trauma too. While this was merely one relationship I endured as a people pleaser with absolutely no boundaries, that made the others no less terrible. I want to preface this by saying I’m no saint and certainly not a victim. I just am now able to articulate what I felt and endured then. These relationships included people in his family, my family and extensions of each.

Today I am so much different and healed. I have peace and when I think back on that time in my life, I just want to hug younger me. I used to feel anger and rage at him wanting revenge for everything he had done to me. In my healing, I realized the type of person he is- is my vengeance. Also, I trust in the words of The Most High knowing He handles injustices.

If you have read this far, I thank you for going on this journey with me. I know that was a lot and probably triggering so I want to end this post on a good note. I no longer have to deal with anyone who has brought me such pain. I have boundaries and know how to protect my peace. Keep in mind, gold is refined by fire. For that, I am grateful.

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